[Suroak]

Hello to everyone in the forum. I have spent many months reading the postings and getting to know all of you. Now I have finally taken the courage to introduce myself and my family. I am mum to 3 handsome boys ( watch out girls of GB!). S is 10years ( he is slowly maturing into what I hope will be a responsible member of society), R is 7years (he is generally a happy and loving boy and was diagnosed as autistic in Feb2007) and A is 2years (he is full of life and has been the best tonic I could have asked for after finding out about my middle boy!).
R attends an autistic unit  and I must say I cannot fault the support he is getting. So far it must sound as if my life is not too bad, but as I'm sure you are all too aware there are many more downs than ups when you have a child with additional needs.
We are presently trying to gear ourselves up for a meeting, tomorrow, which I know will be telling me more bad news, will be bringing my hopes and expectations for R down again.
I have actually known R has had difficulties for the last 5 years and you would think I would be an expert in the field of meetings- but no. Since the date was set I have had many crying sessions and feel that in many ways I have not moved on from 5 years ago. I worry constantly about the effect this is having on my oldest child in particular.
I will keep the forum posted about the results of the meeting, but my question to you all is how do you learn to accept your child's difficulties and appreciate them for who they are? I hope this does not make me look as if I don't love R and am not be jubilant at his progress because this is not the case, but I can't seem to get past the why me? , why my child? stage.

[Gulnar]

Hi Suroak

welcome from my lot. Your boys truly are lovely you should be very proud of them A is totally adorable.

Fingers crossed for you for tommorrow, im afraid i cannot give you any advice on trying to accept your childs disabilities as i am still a beginner myself. All i know is that when they smile that smile that makes your heart light up,  it if only for a few moments it makes you forget.

I am sure the guys on this Forum will be able to give you tons of advice,

Good Luck

Gulnar

[Nikki]

Hi Suroak,

Welcome to the forum from our family too. 

I worry constantly about the effect this is having on my oldest child in particular.

  This is a big concern for me as well.  I've spoken to his teacher about this and I know he definately has attention seeking tendancies.  We try to make sure (where possible) that the whole family doesn't revolve around N and her problems, which is easier said than done because more often than not it does.  My oldest C is so often last on the list, as our 1 year old is a demanding wee chappie too.  I try to make an effort to do something every now and again specifically for C, so that he has some 1 2 1 time with us eg. have a special meal out, go 10 pin bowling or do a family activity of his choice.

how do you learn to accept your child's difficulties and appreciate them for who they are? ............ but I can't seem to get past the why me? , why my child? stage.

  I wonder whether you ever really 'get over it'- I know that I certainly haven't, so you're not alone in that.  Maybe over time, you learn to be a little bit more accepting of things........?

Chin up during that meeting today - I hope it goes ok.  You can let us all know.

   Nikki

[pixie]

Hello and welcome.

[Julie]

Hi Suroak

Welcome to the website.  It's great that you've plucked up the courage to "speak" to us all!

We have an older son too and we know that life is difficult for him, because of his brother.  It's a difficult situation to remedie, and I am not sure that you can totally.  We see a clinical psychologist from time to time to help us understand how Jamie sees the world and why he does certain things.  The Clinical Psychologist also had a meeting with our oldest son and talked to him about his brother and explained a lot to him.  This helped to a cerain extent but it will always be difficult.  We do the same as Nikki and give our older son time alone with us, sometimes to do an activity, but sometimes just to be with us in the house without his brother (Grandparents look after Jamie for us at these times).  I think this helps a bit.

As for the acceptance side of things.  It just takes time.  It's an old cliche but it's true.  Learn more and more about Autism and if you can get to speak to a Clinical Psychologist about it then this may help too.  We were told that as time goes on the situation may get better - and it has.  I don't mean that there is a cure for Autism, just that if your son is on the less severe end of the Autistic Spectrum - then things could improve as he gets older.  This is one thing that the Clinical Psycholgist has told us and has been true in our case.

The CP has also made us realise that we have to help Jamie find his niche in life.  There are lots of people with Asperger's who have jobs such as Electricians to Computer Programmers, for instance, so we have to help him to find something that he will love doing.

There is no easy answer to your question, but I hope that the above will help in some small way. 

Let us know how you get on at the meeting.  We would love to hear from you again. 

[Annie]

Hi Suroak and welcome, you family sound lovely but I compleatly feel your worries for your older son,its not easy is it? We have an older daughter,shes 7.I don,t know if this is a parenting problem or because we are a family with a a special needs kid.The problem is our daughter is being bullied at school.She belives no one in her class likes her and feels excluded.I ve been to the school on an off since primary 1 and Ive named one or two culprits but over time it appears to have escalated and now our girl finds it hard to trust or join in with her class mates.Iam worried that I have spent too much time fighting Pauls corner and my daughter being the understanding wee soul has tried to handle her problems herself and therfore lost some confidence in herself.Nairne dose not have special needs but she did have some problems with her speech and she can be a bit slow and clumsy and I sometimes worry that she too might have problems thst have been  over seen.In saying that she met all her milestones and shes in the top group in her class and has a really great imagination so no one else is worried.So I don,t know what to do about this bullying.She goes to swimming  lessons,brownies ,she has birthday parties and we invite folk round but still she is having problems.I have to add her school know nothing of her brothers condition,do you think it would help thing if they knew.Sorry Suroak I kinda went off topic,hope you don,t mind lol

[Suroak]

Thank you all for the warm welcome. It certainly feels good to off-load worries and concerns. The meeting was ok. I must be making progress as I managed to remain calm and not cry!! This might have something to do with the number of Kalms that were taken prior to the meeting, though I suspect it was partly due the fact that I had prepared myself for the worst and had spent many days before the meeting crying. By the end of the meeting I felt reassured that the school knew R very well and knew which way to move forward. I trust them and my child is happy so maybe it is time to take a step back and let them do their job and for me to be R's mum again( and not his teacher) . And also remember I have 2 other children!
In reply to Annie's question about telling your daughter's school. This year at parents' night I specifically asked my older son's teacher to place on S's confidential record that he has an autistic brother. The teacher did question as to whether I thought it affected S's behaviour and I said that on the whole it didn't seem to, but I was concerned that S was last in line for attention at home. Also life with a child with additional needs is unpredictable ( as we know) and you cannot foresee when it is going to get even worse, therefore the staff should know that there is an extra pressure on S. I hope that by this information being placed on his file we will not need to tell subsequent teachers.
When I told my son, S that his teacher knew about R, he was a little upset. So I reassured him that it was important that the teacher knew this, as our family situation was different from that of his classmates. That though he may not feel it there were extra pressures on him. I hope this goes some way to answering your question, but you have to do what you feel right. It has taken me 3 years before I managed to tell the school.